Once Upon Another OneShot
by Poseida Lunar
Summary: Draco and Harry had been rivals all their lives. Now, one competition changed all that. HPDM, slash, more warnings inside, and it's still rated Teen. Pure crack and too random. Read at your own risk.


**Disclaimer:**Einved dfeo dlfjl skjef s sidfjsdlkfj w ef sfjsd fjweklfr... There's the disclaimer. I know what you're thinking and I'll explain it to you. This disclaimer is written in the ancient language, Slashese. I don't know which country use to speak it, so don't ask. I hope this explains it.

What?? You want it in English!! That's so not fair. I spend my whole entire life learning that language just so I could write the disclaimer in Slashese.

You really want it in English?

Fine, be that way.

**Disclaimer:**I don't own Harry Potter or Draco Malfoy. Sfeifsjflk wiefk ijwif ifd?

**Warnings:**Femmeslash, MaleSlash, offensive language, attempts at humour, mild sexual action, heavy sexual-related joke, has not been edited, OCC, and etc... oh, and overdramatic sentences. Written by my five year old little brother. LOL, he wish!

**Author's Note:**I got a plan, we can do it just what you wanted, baabbbeeeyy, baaabbbeeyyy, baaaaaaabbbeeeeey... As long as you want it we can- Oh... Um, hi?

**Word Count:** One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... fell asleep...

**Summary:** Sum Mary. Sum and Mary. LOL

* * *

**LET THE CRAP BEGIN!!**

* * *

Once upon a time, somewhen around the 1990s, a bitter rival had been born in a small robe shop located somewhere in London...

"You have ugly clothes," had one boy said to the other.

"Shut-up!" the other boy snapped.

It was a tragidy. But fortunately, for one month, the two boys did not see each other, for they were as different as the sun and the moon. One boy, namely Harry Potter, was the Boy-Who-Lived. He was an orphan, living with his somewhat abusive cousins. The other boy, who was called Draco Malfoy, was a rich, pureblood child with snobbish manners.

So, as you can see, or read, our two boys were very different creatures indeed. But alas, fate made them cross each other's path again...

"Now, take my hand and become _my_ friend instead," Draco demanded. "Take it! Take it!! TAKE IT!!"

"No."

Yes, it was a despair moment for our Draco, who had unknowingly, tried to make up for the bitterness of their first meeting. However, he had done it all wrong, and thus, the rivalry grew ever stronger...

"You're a cheater! First years aren't suppose to be on the school Quidditch team! Just because you're Harry Potter doesn't make you all that!"

Harry had stuck out his tongue. "You're just jealous, Malfoy. Oh, and your fly's down."

_Gasp._ "IT IS??" Draco looked down to check. "LIAR!!"

The start of the second year...

"Ha! I knew it! Malfoy's behind all this. Let's disguise ourselves as his minions and squeeze all the information we can out of his little white arse!" Harry suggested to his best friend.

"Ok," Ron replied. "But you do the squeezing."

When something unfortunate happened, the boys blamed it on each other. Though, Harry had later found out that the said blame was, in fact, not true. And ironically, turned out to be Ron's little sister.

And to this authoress' disappointment, Harry did not squeezed Draco's arse.

Of course, there was always the third year...

"Move your stupid feet; it's on my butt," Draco whispered with annoyance in his voice. It was the Hogwarts Camp Out in the Great Hall Night.

"Soft butt."

"Potter, Sirius Black is right above you!!"

Draco later got sent to Madam Pomfrey and was there for a week. In the end, the criminal Sirius Black turned out to be a nice guy, and Draco hated Harry more than ever.

Now, the fourth year...

"POTTER STINKS!!" Draco badge flashed as he walked down the corridor, beaming it directly at Harry for taunting purposes.

"MALFOY'S HAIR GEL SMELLS LIKE HOUSE ELF POOP!!" Harry's badge flashed back. But sadly for our poor savior, nobody could read it because it was written in such tiny fonts, despite the fact that it was capitalized.

The fifth year was no better; it was worse. In fact, in this authoress' opinion, it was by far, the third worst Harry Potter book in history. But her opinion doesn't matter. So, let's take a look at the relationship between our boys...

"Now, I'll pin this nice badge on you my lovely," Umbridge cooed as she slapped Draco's cheek. "And you can take points off anybody you like!"

When Draco saw Harry...

"Nice badge," Harry sneered. "Is that from a boy scout camp group?"

"Five points off for that insult. Another five because it was so lame. A third five for the sneer. Five more because I don't like you. And ten more because your hair is a bird nest."

It did not get any better did it? Curse the Umbridge woman. But she doesn't matter either...

"O. M. F. G.. You are crying!"

Draco narrowed his eyes. "_cru-_"

"_Sectumsempra!_"

Myrtle jumped. "MURDER!! BLOODY MURDER IN THE LOO!! MURDER!! MURDER!!"

The bitterness of this strong rivalry had reached near the peak. But unfortunately, it fell down again. Of course, as we all know, there were hardly any Draco/Harry interaction in the seventh book. So, the seventh year was just not worth telling because it has no Draco/Harry interaction, and because this authoress just plain hated the seventh book.

Even after the graduation, the Heat of Hatred did not cool. The Fire of Fury still burned between them.

It was when they had turned twenty-five years old. Both of them had a fiancée, both of them were planning to marry. At the same date. That was when the most bitter of all those bitter competitions started, and the one that will change their lives forever.

Harry Potter was to marry Ginevra Weasley, the beautiful younger sister of his best friend. Draco Malfoy was to marry his Hogwarts sweetheart, Pansy Parkinson, who had by now, outgrown the puggish appearance and adopted a much more sophisticate, womanly look, making her a gem among the Purebloods. That was when the problem started.

It was an abandon little shack by an old park...

"Why can't you just change your wedding date Potter!? Why must you always ruin everything!!" Draco snarled at his eternal rival.

"Why don't _you_ change _your_ wedding date!?" Harry shot back.

"That's because I've got everything prepared! Even the invitations send out! I can't change it after that!" Draco explained, face red.

"Well, it's your fault!"

"At least you shouldn't invite _my_ guests!"

"They were _my _guests!" Harry defended. "I made my guest list before you did!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

That was the first argument they had on that issue. Three days later...

"I booked Moonlight Garden! I did! You can't book it!" Harry protested.

"Can so! The owner said that there's enough room! And my wedding is going to be a good one hundred feet away from yours!! SO IN YOUR FACE!!"

"But my wedding is going to be louder and better than yours, even with your wedding around!!"

"Nu uh," Draco answered, shaking his head. "People will talk about _my_ wedding! Because it's going to be so much better than yours!! The Daily Prophet will do an article on _my_ wedding, about _my _seven-layered cake, taking pictures of _me _and _my_ bride, and it's going to be _my _wedding that would be on every-body's lips for months!!"

"It will be _my _wedding! Your wedding would just plain sucks, like you!!"

"Malfoys suck nobody!!"

Harry shrugged. "Have you even try?"

"ABRA CADABRA!!"

"...That's not a real spell."

"I know that!! Fuck you!!"

...Noz Komentz...

And of course, they dragged their future brides into this too...

"See her!? See Ginny's waist!? That's what I call hourglass!!" Harry shouted. Ginny Weasley gave Pansy Parkinson a smug look.

"Her hair is hideous!! Pansy's blond curls is way better!!" Pansy Parkinson returned the look.

"She's a PUG!!"

"She has long nose!!"

After a moment of glaring, the two women turned away from each other.

"Her voice sounds like a chalk on a chalk board!!"

"She has a mole beneath her chin, Potter!! Don't you see that ugly mole??"

Ginny touched her mole. "I swear," she muttered. "They argue like a couple of old people."

"I agree..."

The two woman turned to face each other.

"Parkinson."

"Weasley."

Ginny glanced up and down the other woman's body, stopping at the chest. "Only Cs?"

"Oh, what are you? Enlargement Charm or something?"

Ginny gave her another smug look. "Ds. They're real!" she boasted proudly and pat her chest. Parkinson stared at the D cups...

"Are they... squeezable?"

"Care to try?" the redhead asked with a grin.

They left the shack together a moment later.

"Pansy's got C cups!! How's that for you Potter??"

"Cs?? Only Cs?? Ginny's got Ds!!"

The argument had became too unbearable...

"That's because you've never fucked Pansy before!! She's tight!! Weaslette's hole can fit an apple!!"

"How do you know?! I bet that you've never fucked Ginny before!! And I bet that Parkinson's hole can fit a watermelon!!"

"We've got to do something about them," Pansy growled as she twitched in her seat the very next day.

Ginny immediately nodded.

Then the wedding day...

"We'll show him, Ginny," Harry whispered to his bride as they got off their broomsticks. He glared at Draco across the lawn.

"We'll show him, Pansy," Draco whispered to his bride as they got off their broomsticks. He glared at Harry across the lawn.

The brides gave each other winks before following their grooms away to their own wedding parties...

"The bonder is over by that monument, Harry," Ginny told her groom as she tried to drag him over there.

Harry frowned. "But that's away from our wedding."

"He's over by the monument!!"

"... Alright alright, gosh, no need to make it such a big deal..."

When they arrived at the monument...

"WHY ARE THEY HERE!!"

"Why are we fifty feet away from our wedding party, Pansy? And WHY ARE THEY HERE??"

A crowd had already gathered around them.

"May the first couple step up," the bonder said as he lifted his sparked wand. Both couples began upward, only to stop and glared at each other. Well, the grooms did anyway.

"May the first couple step up," the bonder repeated.

Ginny and Pansy kicked their grooms in the knees and stepped up.

"I said the first COUPLE, not the brides," the bonder said.

"Oh, what of it old man. Never been to a gay wedding?" Pansy snarled. "NOW BOND US!!"

"Uh... ABRA CADABRA!!"

"That's not a spell!!" a random person shouted.

"... I know that." He waved his wand, and the girls were bonded. "You may kiss the bride." The brides kissed each other. Everybody stared in shock.

"Now, may the second couple step up."

Nobody moved forward.

"Second couple up please."

"Harry, you're up."

"Draco, you're up."

Silence.

"Bitches."

"Hoes."

Well, that was quite a life-changing experience for our boys. Yes, very life changing. Now, back to the shack...

"Bitches."

"Hoes."

"Bitches."

"Hoes."

"They set us up."

"Yes, they did."

"Bitches."

"Hoes."

"Bitches."

"Hoes."

A moment of drama-filled tension.

"So, we're man and husband now."

"Yes we are."

"Those fucking bitches."

"Those damned hoes."

Another one of those moments.

"You know, that was actually quite funny," Harry began.

"And the kiss wasn't all that bad either."

"... Nope, it wasn't," Harry said, agreeing.

"Are we in a truce?"

"No, we're bonded."

"That's pretty much like a truce."

"But the kiss wasn't bad."

"No, it wasn't."

Ahhh... What an emotional, heart-touching conversation. Get me all teared-up. T T ... Not. NOW, KISS HIM!!

"Want to try again?"

They kissed. Somewhere in the background, James Blunt's "You're beautiful" started to play.

"Hey! Stop that!! I hate that song!!"

The song changed.

_You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So lets do it like they do on the discovery channel  
Do it again now!_

_You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So lets do it like they do on the discovery channel  
Gettin' horny now!_

...Noz Komentz...

Now, they had hot, kinky sex and that's all you need to know. This is rated T after all.

And for the one final time...

"Los Angelos!!"

"New York City!!"

"I said Los Angelos!!"

"New York City is way better!!"

"I say where we go for our honeymoon, Potter. And you're not disagreeing!!"

"I still say New York City!!"

* * *

I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT!! THE TASTE OF HER CHERRY CHAP-STICK!! I KISSED A GIRL JUST TO TRY IT!! I HOPE MY BOY-

Oh, hi again.

So, uh, just keep in mind that this is completely random. So, if you don't like it, then that's just too bad for you.

**More Disclaimer:** "I got a plan" is by Britney Spears. "You're beautiful" is by James Blunt. "The bad touch" (the discovery channel one) is by Bloodhound Gang. "I kissed a girl" is by Katy Perry.

Now... Uh, now what?


End file.
